I seriously just don't who know you are anymore
or rather, I've had the blinders taken off me
so that I can see the real you beneath it all
it's taken me a little while to finally accept
and come to terms with this new reality
that the you i knew no longer exists
that in fact the you i knew was never true
because who you are is someone completely anew
you've never bothered to help me see
you've been content to take advantage of me
well. with a heavy heart and renewed conviction
I've finally cast off this blanket of delusion
finally released to see who you truly are
finally relieved to see that I've no more misery.

09.17.10 6.54-6.58pm

I’ve been down this road before.

Staring at the path ahead of me as the tearing sky continues to drench me in her raindrops, I robotically place one foot in front of the other, not really caring whether or not my feet move in sync. The doom and gloom of the screeching wind whisper to my ears, as my sense tune out all that is superfluous to the object in front of me. Even with the odd sense of déjà vu, I know I must needs to soldier on, discovering the root of reasons as to why I’ve got to do this all over again.

One would think that, because of the eerily familiar feeling, I would have no trouble navigating this seemingly foreign terrain. But for whatever reason, I just can’t place my finger on it, this is as if I’ve never been here; yet it’s almost as if I have. The shape of that bush, the texture of the ground, I definitely have seen this all before.

The walk seems like the walk of death; no matter how many steps I take, I seem to be no closer to reaching the destination that I aim to seek. The closer and closer I believe I am, the farther and farther it appears to be. Deciding that I don’t want to be walking forever, I break into a run, trying to brute force my way towards my direction. To no avail, the rate at which I drew closer to it matched the rate at which it sped away from me. Tired, exasperated, and upset, I doubled over and lay on the ground, pondering my ridiculous predicament.

Could it be? Could the solution to this madness be that simple? I got back up, ready to take another shot at this madness I seemed to be stuck in. Slowly, but surely and confidently, I started taking little steps back, breaking out of the monotonic pace I had set myself. At first, nothing was happening, which started to really perplex me. But then, things seemed to start clicking in place! The more and more I moved backwards, the closer and closer I seemed to be moving forward. What madness!

As I continued on this oxymoronic path of mine, I started to ponder, how in the world could moving backwards be interpreted as forward progress? Only in some weird twisted sick way would such a fallible idea even be remotely passable as reality. There is no way that such madness could be truth. There was simply no freaking way.

Upon this instance of my epiphany, my whole world shattered, I fell through the cracks, and the view faded to black.

…

I open my eyes. Look all around me. Take in my current environment. I don’t remember how I got here.

I’ve been down this road before.

08.19.10, 1.48-2.17am
=====
Upon quick inspection, I noticed I changed back and forth between tenses. But you know what, whatever.

you know, i'm sick and tired of this madness that i'm in
hating the fact that i just can't seem to get out of this spin
pushing and shoving to get out the damn door
all i can see is that which was before
i know i shouldn't be falling in to this same shit
but i can't help it if my mind won't run away from this lame bit

siigh.

what the affliction is, i really don't know
if i did, yathink i'd be spewing off these words at you
heck no, none of this here is for the sake of a show
its me tryna get these thoughts out like refuse
i know it aint healthy to store up thoughts like these
and thats why i'm trying so hard to give myself a reprieve

damn.

you won't believe how much madness and sadness i've had to encompass
i'm sure you wouldnt understand even if i tried and told you
i'm scared like no other. angry like no other.
i really just wish that i knew how to fake this
but i cant. i don't. i just won't be another fake fool
because i'm tryna fly solo, even it means going w/out the brothers

yaknow.

and so. like i said. here i sit. by myself. all over again
you don't even know the beginning of what going through my mind
if only you knew. if only you tried. you might have been able
to break open and pry. but you din't. you don't. and you just
never won't. because the path aint there and neither is the desire
to truly see what beneath this mind you'll finally uncover.

08.19.10, 12.50-1am