Quick note:
push + shove = pushove. If you already figured that one out, props to you.

Let's move on.

Forgive me, as it has been a while since my last post. But since most of these entries are of inconsequential affects, I s'pose you'll bear with. And I also feel that my continuation of these prose efforts are detrimental to my academic writing habits. Alas, I digress and shall continue.

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I’m trying. Really. I’m trying so hard that it hurts. Unfortunately, I’m not even sure as to what I’m trying to achieve within this present moment. Sometimes, I strive to pull the two opposing forces together, unwilling to let them drift too far apart. Other times, I’ve complacently turned an eye away, completely unaware of the once perpetual feeling that used to be by my side. But still. I’m trying. To pull it together. To rip it apart. I don’t know what I want to do anymore.

That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my seemingly fruitless efforts. I feel that I cannot sink below the level of not trying. But then I ask myself, why try for something you’re not even sure or certain about? Isn’t that all just a waste of time and energy on something that will never see fruition? If that fissure between the two is such that it is impossible to bridge, must I keep fighting on?

So my struggle continues. Is it there? Does it still remain, dormant underneath the imposing shadow of the abyss? Or has it sunk so far into the unknown that it is absolutely lost, never to be found again? Do I chase after a whimsical desire, one that is ridiculously impossible to attain? Is there some spell on me that prevents me from seeing reason but instead forces me to keep going and going and going?

Tell me. Where do you stand? Where do I stand? Where do we stand? Must I make the whole perilous journey over to you just to prove my unabated struggle in this never-ending saga? Will you be able to at least make a sincere overture across the schism, or is that too beyond you? And even if you meet me halfway, would I be willing to do the same?

I try. And will continue to try, with all that I am. I will not give up or throw in the towel on this matter. Cuz this is that important to me. I’m not one to easily quit and abandon that which I have personally cultivated. But should I be maximizing my efforts in fixing the unfixable or separating the inseparable?

You help me be the judge of that. The road continues ahead regardless of my/your/our decision at this point. I just want to know if you’ll be with me at that point down the road.

10.26.09, 12.37 – 12.55am