My head hasn’t been quite right for some time now. Ever since that one day, that one unimaginable day which will be forever burned into the back of my mind, engraved on stone for eternity, I’ve been like a ship adrift at sea. Always wandering, meandering, never focused upon the subject that which should have my undivided attention. But such is the way of life.

I was sitting at the commons, just finishing up my lunch and ready to transition over to starting some work while I was in the comfortable confines of the chattering of peoples in the background. This strange buzz was one of the more soothing sounds to be heard, which was much better than the blasting of so-called music they play. Minding my own business, I stared intently at the title chapter. It read, “Linear Combinations of Atomic Orbitals and Molecular Orbitals.” I abhorred this disgustingly long phrase that would enslave me for the next hour or so. Focused upon this horrid topic, I never noticed her sit down beside me.

“Looks like that’s pretty hard,” she said. “Do you have a midterm coming up or something?” And so we started talking as I was reading my study material and as she pulled out her work as well. Our study time was interspersed with some talk and silence as we came and left the conversation table, seeing as both of us had our own cumbersome material to master for that next exam coming up. Even though neither of us was the sole focus of the other that day, there was apparently a little spark that was created then.

Life continued. I went to my classes, to eat, to study, to hang out with people. Sporadically, I’d see her, we’d stop and talk, and then go about our own separate ways again. There wasn’t really much I could do about it because of some unspoken rule that governed us. It was just there, and the barrier was not to be broken, for fear of a consequence worse than death. Unbelievable, I know. But I could not act and move beyond it.

In the course of my so-called normal life, which was disproportionally filled with too much studying and not enough leisure activities, there was a second day for which added fuel to the little kindling. I was once again in the common area, minding my own business and struggling to solve a pointless math problem for which there would be no real life connection outside of this course. It was busier than usual, but there was an open seat next to me. She ended up taking it once again. Because of the increased traffic in here today, we were scrunched up a bit more tightly this time. Call it a throwback from the childish puppy-love days, but just that one simple sensory feeling of touch was enough to derail my mind.

Even now it continues to toy with me, causing my mind to wander. This is where I am now, unable to figure out why such a simple trivial action has blossomed into some strange infatuation that which I cannot be rid of. Do I really mind it? Truly, no. It is a little ray of light that manages to bring a smile to my face whenever trouble thoughts cloud my mind. There’s more to her than the other thousands of girls on campus. She’s just something really special and unique, a rare unblemished treasure in the midst of the chaos of life. But unless some certain circumstances change, I’ve gone as far as I can and am unable to truly pursue after this once in a lifetime beauty.

03.06.09, 3.30-3.44pm