Oh how I loved it. The feeling of euphoria that entranced me wrapped me up and covered me like a soft blanket. I could never pull away from it. Least, not on my own. I saw no reason to. Why leave something that is enticing and exciting? Everyone else was just jealous.

She was something others didn’t have, could never have. She was all mine. There was no way I was going to share her. She was my beauty, my prize that belonged only to me. Mine. Mine.

Was it an addiction? An obsession? Did I imbibe too much of this sweet poison? Perhaps. But none of that really mattered. What did any one else know. This feeling that I had, this feeling that I had captured at that exact moment in time; it could never be recreated again. Not with any other soul.

I knew it was wrong all along. From the start, there was a little nagging voice in the back of my mind that quietly tried to pull me back away from my deranged reality. I heard it. It’s polite suggestions were dully noted as I continue to indulge myself in this pervasive pleasure. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I had it all under control.

As I went back, time and time again, it got worse and worse. It eventually degenerated into my having her nearly daily, hourly if possible. She obliged, sometimes with an all too-knowing smile. Such trickery. Such lechery. The venus fly trap had ensnared its weak willing prey. She had me, body and soul, and she knew it.

There really was no way out. All four sides around me had been slowly closing in on me since day one. Even the top seemed too close for comfort. I was never claustrophobic before, but now I definitely was. I yelled at the licentious serpent, shouting that I’ve had enough. I wanted out. Needed out. I begged and begged to be released. For her to loosen her grasps ever so, just enough for me to have a little freedom. That’s all I wanted.

She laughed. She gave that off-centered smile of hers and drew me back in, saying that no longer was she mine, but I, hers. She was my owner and she got to do absolutely whatever she wanted to do to me. I was powerless to say no, to offer any objections. She had me binded to her, complete with shackles and ropes and a chain ball. There was no way out.

At first, I met this new turn of events head on. It was what it was, I said. Having been engaged in it for so long, having been satisfied and complacent with my current placing, I saw no reason to panic really. By taking it in stride, I thought, maybe things would eventually work itself out. Maybe, she would one day finally let me go.

But days became weeks, weeks became months, and months extended and merged into one gigantic mess of declination that no longer had any semblance of time. I was frantically worried now. I had hoped to be released from this an eternity ago. But here I still remain, struggling to keep my head above the surface, lest I finally fall in and never see reality again. I fought with every ounce of strength that I had, determined to not let myself come to such a pathetic end. I would go on.

So she came back around one day, still wearing that damned smirk on her face that I could never get rid of. That freeze frame would forever stay in my memory and haunt me with ever fleeting second of idle thought I had. As she drew nearer and nearer, I could feel my heart threatening to jump out of my chest, ready to explode with fear at this one rebellious act that would most certainly end my rational existence.

And so I acted, with this opportune time being the most opportunistic moment for me. Mustering all that I had within me, I quietly and fearfully whispered, “Be gone from me you wretched wench.”

01.13.09, 10.55-11.30pm